Throwing Stones

Don't talk to me about missing people if you're going to belittle me, say - "Aww, that's cute" - or tell me that the feeling will pass or I don't know what it really feels like to miss someone.

Because if you do, you're full of sh*t.

I left my life in the country to go to our capital city 600kms away, to go back to school from homeschooling, to a whole new life where I knew no-one at all, at the age of15. I'd never been to a school that big before, or had to take public transport. A train that goes between suburbs? That's nuts. And scary coming from somewhere that you could ride, on a bicycle, across town and it was about 30 minutes depending on the weather. I only went to the city twice or three times a year and even then it was just passing through on the way to a town on the other side.

I knew that I wouldn't see my family for a few months at least. I knew what it was like to feel completely alone, to feel physical pain because you miss your parents and siblings, so much that you can't breathe, can't eat, can't sleep. When you really miss someone, you know about it. It manifests itself physically and painfully. That ache in your chest like you're going to cry, but not quite. That feeling that you've forgotten something, forgot to put your shoes on, that something isn't right. It's real.


A while ago now, I'd just discovered that I was working on the evening that my boyfriend and I had planned to spend together and I couldn't find anyone to cover or shift-swap for me. Now, this was a big deal because at the moment my man and I live about 80kms away from each other, he in the city and me outside the metropolitan area, and although from my uni to his place is a 15 minute drive, we see each other only once a week, usually a set weeknight, last semester was monday nights. So I'd go to his place after uni, we'd talk a bit and have tea, watch a movie if we weren't too tired, and then go to bed. I'd get up in the morning when he woke me as he left for work and that's the only time we'd see each other.

Every moment is precious.

I told the girls at work that last statement and their response was 'Aww, how cute'. I wanted to slap them. I miss my boyfriend, I care deeply about him and we're really close, we've been together well over a year now and seeing each other once a week is difficult. We miss each other and feel it physically. The more stressed I am the more it hurts.

Our relationship is such that we talk more with slight gestures, our eyes, body language, that we don't need to talk to express what we're trying to say, and it's comforting to have someone like that. (I don't mean sexually, I mean in general.) We'll be sitting at a cafe and if one of us wants to leave, the other will know instinctively, even if our mates have no idea. It's hard to be apart when we can't really "talk" as such. I don't understand how or why we interact like that, but it works.

That aside... When I found out that I would probably not see him for a couple of weeks at least, my chest ached, I had a headache within about 20 minutes, and my throat was a bit constricted. One of the girls asked what was wrong and I said that I just missed him. She said that we're only young (those of you that know how old my partner is will find that amusing)... And that it'll pass. Ha.* When I was younger, dad went over east, or to Perth, or something, for a conference or to see family. Mum didn't sleep very well and seemed a little "out of it". They've been married for over 20 years now, and that "I miss you" thing, it hasn't changed.

Now, I know that this post may seem hypocritical where one of my previous posts is about having your own life and not relying on your partner, but to those among you that read this properly, will know that this is different. This is where you have a connection with a person, where they're a big part of your life, like your family. You aren't constantly around them, and you do your own thing, and that's cool, but you miss them when you're apart for an extended period of time (or when you know that they're only 15 minutes away every single day you're at uni but they're working and you're studying!). It's when your boyfriend isn't just your boyfriend because-he-looks-hot-and-kisses-well-and-is-smart-and-funny, it's when the relationship deepens and he becomes your best friend as well as your lover, your family, your confidante, and someone who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself... And you miss them like you miss having tickle fights with your sisters and brothers, or the company of someone while you're lying on the trampoline looking at the stars/clouds...

Idle chatter or silence.

Just comfortable companionship.


* - NOTE: I acknowledge that there are people that don't see their husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend for months on end, and I have so SO much respect for people that have the strength to do that. It's incredible, and a week seems like so little for those that have to endure that length of time apart..